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Cancer
I had his diagnosis. And, once again, one of life’s great truths came to past. What I came to know, I had always known. I knew in my heart he must have had cancer. I just had to have a diagnosis.
What would I do?
The drive home was endless. It was a terribly cloudy day and yet every now and then the sun would break through and I knew God was
speaking to me. And, when the sun would hit me, I would feel His sense of peace. But, then, I would look over at this little dog. Still trying to smile. Restless. Thin. I can feel every bone in his back.
Why just yesterday, he walked down to the lake and kicked his feet letting all the other dogs in the neighborhood know he was still the
pack leader. He ate all his food. He was still drinking plenty of water. The veterinarian said his lab work was good!
What would I do?
I knew deep inside what I had to do. He would never come home. If I took him home and let him ‘live out his days’, who would that be for? Him or me? No, today was a pretty good day for him and his last day would be just that. I would not let his last days be miserable. He would leave this earth feeling pretty good. I would not let him lose another pound.
The clouds thickened. My heart swelled with emotion. Today would be his last day. His days were numbered. 28 miles to Wytheville . I looked down at him and realized that in less than an hour, he would be gone. The Word describes life ‘like a mist, here today and gone tomorrow’. He would be a memory. And, then the sun broke out and I realized that God was looking down at me. My days are numbered too. He looks down at all of us – and knows – one has 5 minutes. One a week. Someone else has 3 years and another only 30.
Thank you Lord that I was so kind to my little dog – even up to his last days. No matter how much trouble he had become. No matter that I
had to carry him up and down the steps. No matter the thousands of trips we had to take outside. I was kind and patient with him.
I vow to use this great lesson in my life and in yours. Make this day the best day of your life. Your days are numbered. And, make someone else’s
day the best day they have ever had as well. Their days are numbered too. And, no matter how much trouble someone seems to be – when they are gone – you will sit and remember kindness. And, that helps heal a broken heart.
“Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom” Psalm 90:12
I have the most wonderful little companion. A miniature Schnauzer. Gray with a short white beard, he is my little man. 91 years old in human years, he is failing. Not only with weight loss and fatigue but with physical signs that I can no longer ignore. Today, we go to Virginia Tech where I will get a diagnosis and make a decision on what to do.
This is a place that I don’t like or want to be. He has loved me in my worst of moods. He has loved me in my absence. But, when is enough – enough? Does he suffer? And, in whose ‘best interest’ is it anyway to let him continue to be? Will he understand? Will he forgive me?
Forgive me for loving him enough to allow him the dignity of passing on with no further pain. Forgive me for wanting him to leave this earth in a state of nobility that he has always portrayed. Forgive me.
I am reminded of our beloved Doberman Windsor who passed away only a year ago. These two were and will be great companions. For what I know for sure is that whether we are living in this world or the next, we are all still living.
I will miss him but will hold him in my heart – until that time – until my time comes.
“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1
There is clearly a difference in perceptions of healthcare providers. Those that encourage and promote healing and those that mechanically go through the protocols. What is the difference? I pondered this during my husbands hospitalization. I watched every nurse and physician who came into his room.
There is a natural barrier of fear and uncertainty when you are a patient in the hospital and….. there is a way to break down that barrier. First, I have to know who you are. Tell me your name and ask me my own. It’s a relationship. I want to know you and I need for you to know me. Sit with me and hold my hand. Touch my shoulder. Be present with me when neither of us have words. Stand in silence with my tears. To remain in that sterility of a medical profession feels empty and cold.
“Hello Pat. My name is Phyllis. I’m sorry you’re here but thank you for trusting us to come to our hospital. We care about you and I want you to know that.” The walls came tumbling down.
Thank you to all the staff who broke down the barriers of fear. Who sat with Trip during the night. Even when you didn’t have time – you made time for him and for me. Who made sure we knew who they were by writing their names on white boards in the room. Thank you for climbing with us over every mountain of uncertainty – sometimes even pulling and pushing us along the way. The key word is that it was always ‘us’. You and me. You and Trip. And, not us alone. You made us feel like we mattered. And, there is a tremendous dose of healing in that alone.
Thank you. Your reward is coming and it will be certain.
“But as for you, be strong and do not give up for your work will be rewarded.” 2 Chronicles 14:7
The winds gust and howl bending the pine trees outside my window. A redbird is riding out this storm on a cylinder feeder. He reminds me of myself. Riding out life’s storms.
This is a particular storm that I dislike the most. It is the storm of emptiness. It is that place where you don’t feel God in your life. Hell can surely be defined as any place without God. He is nowhere for me to find Him. I get up early and sit alone – nothing. I call out to Him and yet I do not hear His coming to me. I cannot discern His presence.
Where are You God? I have so many questions and need so many answers. You know that I have a huge retreat in April and multiple speeches and sermons to prepare and yet nothing is coming to me to write. And, what about this book? This book was Your idea and I’m sitting here begging for instruction and – nothing.
How easy it would be for me to question my purpose. To wonder if I am completely off base. To ask myself if anything I have said or done has meant anything to anybody. But, I won’t. I will not worry and concentrate on what I do not know and cannot control. But, I will concentrate and meditate on what I do know.
You see Lord, you promised that you would never leave me. You promised that you would go before and behind me; that you would protect and guide me. And, You never break a promise. So, I’ll just wait. I know You are here. I know it because You told me.
This servant will wait.
“I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word, I put my hope.” Psalm 130:5
 It is part of mothering. It’s called nurturing. Nurturing the soul as well as the body. The young soul breaks out like the dawn of the day. Brightly shining, life’s clouds of darkness can cover the souls light and cloud its journey. Clouds of self-doubt and unworthiness cast long shadows over the soul. A young mother stands by the soul in life’s storms and holds an umbrella of protection with her powerful words and deeds of kindness. To nurture a soul is the greatest gift of all. It will be the crowning glory of your calling. No office position, professional career or mirrored perfection of pretty will trump your call as a mother. God has gifted you with a soul to bring back to Him. And, He has promised to help you with this most admirable responsibility.
We are told in the scriptures that “He gently leads those that have young.” Isaiah 40:11. His voiceless words speak in an energy that He will make known to you. And, all you have to do is believe.
An excerpt from my upcoming book “Anesthesia: The Numbing of our Children”
The verse was from Philippians 4:13. I knew that verse and this young man wore it proudly under his eyes as he quarterbacked his football team. Wow. What a brave warrior he must be. This was someone I wanted to see play in person and not on a television screen.
It was the last home game in the Florida Gators Stadium and my husband and I were in “The Swamp”. It wasn’t the roar of the crowds or the thrill of being on a college campus. It was even bigger than this quarterback that I had come to see. It was what God was doing through him. There were thousands of young people with that scripture written under their eyes.
I have continued to follow Tim Tebow from his college days to the Denver Broncos. Sidelined, it was the Denver fans that were responsible for pressuring the coaching staff to let him play! Often ridiculed and persecuted by the press, he stood strong in what
he believed and he believed he could play. The commentators said, ‘He’ll never make it.” “He can’t throw the ball.” And week after week, he would win. With no seemingly chance of winning – within minutes of the games ending – interceptions occurred, long throws were completed and power driven runs came down to the finish line. Touchdown after touchdown. His opponents seemed perplexed. The sports commentators began to scratch their heads and call him a mystery. “Unbelievable”. “Makes no sense.” One announcer said, “If he wins this game, I’ll start going to church.” He won. Another said, “If he wins this game, I’ll speak in tongues.” He won.
While forbidden to wear the scriptures in the NFL, he proudly thanks his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for every winning victory. He prays openly on the football field and has started a movement for the entire world to see. (www.tebowing.com Tebowing means to get down on a knee and start praying, even if everyone else around you is doing something completely different.)
Tim Tebow is no mystery but an example of one of God’s mighty warriors. And, when you know God and have a relationship with Him who powers all drives, you get it. You see, it’s not about the game at all! Win or lose, we all win when we honor Him who sends us to play.
What one young man has done for millions of fans. He’s winning a game larger than life itself. His finish line is not of this
earth but the next.
Make sure you know, I’ll be watching Tim Tebow every Sunday play his heart out – believing in a power greater than himself. Believing in that power that shines through and within all of us.
“I can do all things  through Him who gives me strength” Philippians 4: 13
Tonight was the night! I was ready for this presentation. I had prepared for weeks. What an honor to bring God’s message to such a powerful group of people. It was a message of hope and I could hardly wait. I knew this material about Jezebel and how fear tries to overcome our faith. God would be with me and tonight was the night.
It was quite a night alright.
When you train and speak professionally, you move with your audience. You watch them, feel their energy and emotions and shift with their momentum. Cell phones don’t exactly add to the moment. That was the first thing that happened. It didn’t ring once but kept ringing. No matter how I changed my position and moved on the stage, my audience became distracted and began to look for the caller.
Then…..the ultimate nightmare. The heel of my shoe wedged in a crack in the stage and I fell into the podium. Catching myself, I kept on speaking hoping to recapture the point of my story.
Trust me on this one. When things are working well for you, think long and hard before you change something. I had decided to change the way I used my reference points at a podium (which I rarely if ever use). I lost my place and had an extended pause as my mind was bilaterally reeling “you’ve forgotten something” but “you’d better keep on talking”.
It was over and I was so disappointed in my performance. Looking for validation, I kept asking different people, “Was it ok?” “How was it?” A wave of insecurity came over me EVEN THO the crowd applauded and several people stood up. STILL not enough for me, I lamented all the way home.
I asked God, “Why God?” I knew the material. How could He be with me and I perform so poorly? Maybe it’s to change my course as that group will never ask me back again. I had to be patient. I had to be ‘still’ and listen for the lesson. There is always a lesson.
And, today, I got my answer. An email came in from the person who hired me. She wanted me to know that a member of the
audience came to her and said, “For the first time in my life, I feel like I have hope. I don’t want to die.” And, I got the lesson.
No matter if a cell phone goes off, you lose your place or you stumble and fall – when God is with you – it is His victory and not your own. He was victorious.
We can never doubt. We must be steadfast in believing – having the patience, faith and courage to go on – to let it go and rest in His love and His promise.
“The One who calls you is faithful and He will do it.” 1 Thessalonians 5:24
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When you read your Bible, one of the methods to greater understanding is to ask, “Am I in this story? Can I relate to any of the characters? Is God speaking to me?”
I am preparing to speak to several groups this morning and sometimes, I feel like Moses must have felt when God asked him to go and speak to the Israelites. He replied, ‘Me? You’re asking me to go? Who am I to go? I’ m not good at speaking and I don’t know what to say.’
When Moses spoke to Pharaoh and asked him to let God’s people go, Pharaoh doubled the work on the Israelites. Again, God asked Moses to go back to Egypt and speak to Pharaoh. Moses said, ‘If the Israelites didn’t believe me, why should Pharaoh believe me? Nothing I said made any difference.’
How many times have you questioned your life and your work? If you are like me, it’s more than you’d like to admit. Thank goodness God didn’t give up on Moses and He won’t give up on me or you.
Strengthen me Lord this day to prepare Your words and not my own. May Your words be like the refreshing water in the wilderness and give hope and promise to Your people who have been brought to and are going through the disease of cancer. May those looking for a purposeful life be rewarded with the stirring of Your Spirit in their hearts. And, the nurses, Lord, may they never forget that You are with them and will lead them through the desert to an oasis of understanding. I pray every day that I can say the words to encourage them to never forget they are powerful and purposeful – a living part of Your infinite stream of compassion.
“The Lord said to him, “Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and teach you what to say.” Exodus 4: 11-12
It seems when I do something really selfish – like jump in front of someone in the McDonald’s line because “I’m in a hurry” or am not completely truthful about a situation “in order to protect someone else” or even when I’m nosey and try to find out something about someone that is none of my business, God reminds me immediately and even tries to get my attention when I’m doing it. (When will I learn to listen to that inner truth?)
The result is consistent. I am always embarrassed and hurtful. I go around with that inner dread of guilt coming back up multiple times during the day. “Forgive me”, I wail at the dawn of the day. “I am so sorry to be so unkind and selfish.”
I was reading Matthew 6: 19-24 and the lesson Jesus was teaching about money applied to my guilt!
Jesus said, “No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.” Well, you also can’t serve God and go around focused on your unforgiven state! You can’t do both. He SAID He forgave you – let it go! You are forgiven!
Jesus also said, “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness?” Imagine how ‘dark’ your body is with your dragging around all that dread, sorrow and shame. You may as well be wearing sun glasses. Take them off so people can see the light of forgiveness!
The problem isn’t that God doesn’t forgive me; it’s that I can’t forgive myself! We are a forgiven people! MOVE ON. But, remember, now that we are forgiven……… we must forgive others….the ones who jump in front of us in the McDonald’s line, don’t always tell us the truth or try to find out something about us that is none of their business. That someone might be me. Please forgive me. I am a work in progress. God’s doing His best with me. And, believe me, when I make mistakes, He makes me fully aware of it. I am truly sorry and I will never stop trying to do the right thing.
There is no difference for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God and are justified freely by His grace through
the redemption that came by Christ.” Romans 3: 21-24 (In other words, we have all sinned but that’s OK. By God’s grace, love and kindness and through the gift of sacrifice ….. His son, he still accepts us and forgives us.)
And this one speaks for itself.
“I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more. Isaiah 43:25.
 Just Be I love getting up early in the morning to be with the Lord. It is the most special time of the day. It’s a time that I look forward to…..and hate to pull away. My time with Him is just for me to ‘be’. I sit in silence with Him. My heart opens to love Him. I express my gratitude for the day and the dawn and the way the sun comes through the bare branches. I lean into Him for a fresh dose of unconditional love. Knowing I can never ‘be’ all that He would like for me to be, it’s difficult to explain how He could possibly love me and forgive me anyway. But, He does.
You can see why it’s a place I run to everyday. There’s a seat for you too. He’s waiting – watching – and whispering to your heart. Don’t worry. You don’t have to perform. You don’t have to rehearse. All you have to do is just ‘be’ that person He so perfectly made and tenderly loves. That’s YOU and me!
I’ll meet you there in the morning. When the sun comes up and the first beams come through and the frost glistens like snow - I’ll ‘be’ there with Him and with you. Unconditional love. And, and don’t worry if you’re late, He’ll still be there whispering for you to come…..watching for you to just ‘be’ and waiting to love you completely.
“In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice, in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation….” Psalm 5: 3
“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfuness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.” Lamentations 3: 22-24
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